I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
