You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
