even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
