I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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