you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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