Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
