If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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