your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
