guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
