U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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