I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
