so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
