Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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