Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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