Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
