hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
