I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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