Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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