I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize