Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
