I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
