Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize