Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize