My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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