Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
