he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
