I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Houston, we have a blender
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
