puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
