I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
