I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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