My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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