I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize