Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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