You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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