I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I FOUND THE LEGS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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