Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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