my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
