I was born with a shot glass in my hand
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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