Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
