I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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