the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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