I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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