i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize