i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You are a genius and a whore.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
