I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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