Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
