she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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