i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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