I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
