No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Did I show you my penis last night?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
