"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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