Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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