i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize