I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
