3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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