the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
