Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
