So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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