Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
