My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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