And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
