its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
