were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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